Winter River Museum of Natural Greed

Kyle's birthday party....THIS FRIDAY!!!

2009-03-11T23:36:30Z

Hello, friends! If you are in Downtown Tucson this Friday and want to wish me a happy birthday....I will be at the District Tavern from 8ish to midnight or so. I hope to see you there ;)

Painting army to grow to city-destroying number

2008-11-20T23:36:47Z

It has now been 2 MONTHS since I finished a velvet painting! In order to create more paintings for my velvet painting army, I am going to take an velvet sabbatical from November 26-Dec 2nd. I'm taking time off from work and everything! My art army will grow!

Formitable Opponent

2008-10-06T00:45:30Z

For those who have not seen it, here is Stephen Colbert's take on the bailout plan (mentioned by me in today's brunch):

Art explosion!

2008-09-22T03:26:32Z

When last you heard of our hero (Clockworkalien), he was creating a Rampage painting. FEAR NOT!
...I have completed that painting
...I also whipped up a shirt for the Glow celebration that was just at the Triangle Ranch
...and here is a Fallout velvet painting.

Let me know what you think of the paintings!

Also, if you have not seen Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, spend 40 minutes and watch it RIGHT NOW (provided you are on some sort of class or lunch break):
http://www.drhorrible.com/mushortio.html

It has super-villains, Niel Patrick Harris, and singing! How could you resist clicking on it? HOW!?!

I'l alive!

2008-08-29T00:55:31Z

I'm back from the two week megaventure of helping conduct a (workshop/running equipment/teaching about wireframes/working on site diagrams/meeting up with Connecticut friends/meeting up with a New Jersey friend/shopping for art/drinking/seeing 2 contestants from this season of Project Runway/shopping for clothing in Manhattan/shopping for art/wandering Manhattan/shopping at a New Hampshire flea market) in (Long Island/New York/New Hampshire). As a result, I now am (so tired of partying/joyful/hung over/experiencing a +1 increased skill in public speaking/wearing damn fashionable clothes/have a picture of a cyberpunk geisha with a Louis Vuitton bag for my wall).

And no, these are not multiple choice...I really have don all of the clustered together things in the last 2 weeks! I'll get back to a regular posting cycle soon and crank out some more velvet paintings. Later!

More paintings at Shot in the Dark!

2008-07-01T23:17:53Z

If you are bored of the velvet paintings hanging at Shot in the Dark Cafe, don't panic. I added two more paintings to join the armada of paintings already up there (what do you call a group of paintings? A peckle? A herd? A snozzberryful?).

Well, while I was nailing the two new ones on the wall this past weekend, I talked to a regular customer. She liked my Joust Painting. I eventually found out her favorite game was Rampage on her Mac.

I took it as a sign to start my Rampage painting for my next work on black velvet. Basic concept of the painting: Lizzie at 0%. You'll see ;)

Quarters detected in pocket

2008-06-27T01:07:50Z

It's that time of year again...another masterwork of velvet art has been completed. You know you want to take a look at it.

The art and science of surprise parties

2008-06-17T21:38:33Z

A computer hacker was once quoted:
"Say you have an ultra-secure vault with the only key. On a whim, you decide to have the key copied and give it to your best friend. You immediately compromised the security of the vault by 50%."

It's a fairly sound philosophic argument...and I think the same principle applies to surprise parties. The more people that are invited or know about the party, the greater the probability that one of the attendees will ruin the surprise. I will one day discover the ideal mathematical formula for the exact number of surprise party attendees you can invite before someone ruins it for the birthday boy/girl.
Without even sharpening a pencil, it is safe to assume that the giant surprise party that happened in the movie Cloverfield is impossible in real life.

So today is my roomate's "surprise" party...he knew about it two days ago when he was talking to one of the guests:
Attendee: Could you watch my son on Tuesday?
Roommate: Sorry I have plans to go out for sushi. (Clockworkalien's note: This was where he was going to be while we are setting up his party) What's happening on Tuesday?
Attendee: Err, you aren't supposed to know. (Clockworkalien's note: He could have REALLY screwed up here with a blatantly transparent excuse [Like: "I have attend my Ghostbusting 101 class at Pima." Not only is Ghostbusting 101 not a class, it is not a word in the Firefox spellchecker.]. I need to buy this guy the Handbook of All-Purpose Excuses: Social Engagement edition. The chapter on generic familial needs is such a page turner!)

Have any of you (my loyal readers) been to a surprise party where the birthday-ee REALLY didn't know about it? If so, how may guests were there?

Sprint Tech Support: Now with 120 times the anger!

2008-05-12T22:58:10Z

1) Over the weekend, my phone started displaying a "SERVICE REQUIRED" message (preventing me from placing calls or text messages), yet anyone calling my number still gets voicemail.
2) Spending 1 hour with Sprint business tech support, most of the time spent powering down and powering on the phone.
3) The tech support guy tells me that there must be a local outage from Phoenix.
4) He tells me that I would need to get a replacement from a local Sprint store.

Now all of this I don't have a problem with (other than losing all of your numbers AGAIN!), it is just that I wish companies would own up to a mistake and warn cutomers in advance.

Why do I feel this way? Oh, spending 5 minutes on Google came up with this shocking development:
6) It is a known issue with this phone that if certain keys are pressed when the phone starts up, it locks up and you have to get a firmware upgrade.

Rather than wasting an hour of my time, the tech support guy could have mentioned this sometime around minute 5 of the call and I would have felt 100 times less anger than I do now (that's 150 times less anger than in a Boston Market Family Size meal!)

So once again, I have lost my lovely contact list with all of your numbers. Feel free to email me your info so I can send you rambling text messages ;)

Oh, and I'll be off to Chicago for a week. Message if you want a postcard or present from there! ;)

Peter Pepper's sworn enemy!

2008-05-01T23:42:13Z

With all my paintings either sold, given away, or at Shot in the Dark...my condo walls are devoid of black velvet paintings.

As I was both hungry and needed a velvet painting to adorn the walls, I completed a food and video game-inspired painting.

And for the last time, if you cook me a giant hamburger, please do not walk over the patty. I don't care how big the burger is or how many angry Eggs and Hot Dogs are after your ass...just throw it on the grill.

Yep, I'm an inhuman monster

2008-04-25T23:09:48Z

Friend: *whispering to me while on a cell phone conversation* Hey, Kyle...this woman is babysitting an impressionable 5-year old girl. Is there a phrase you'd like to have her teach the little one?
Me: Here's the phrase she needs to learn 'You don't love me anymore'.

I'm a bad, bad person ;)

My paintings are up at Shot in the Dark Cafe

2008-04-22T01:58:19Z

Well...the title says it all. 5 of my paintings (i think someone bought one, so it is down to 4) are hanging up above the couch in the smoker's lounge area in Shot in the Dark Cafe.

So, for those of you hiding behind weak excuses like "that place is only open when I'm at work or school" or "I'm sick and I can't see your paintings hanging in public" you now have NO more excuses (well, perhaps the sick person does)! Shot in the Dark is open 24 hours, so it's open at this very moment that you are reading this! Go there now!

I'm a sucker for naked women on giant birds ;)

2008-03-27T21:50:37Z

So last night, I had a choice of three (3) major actions:
1) Go see the freakshow at Congress with an ex
2) Go to the Loft and see Blade Runner: the Final Cut with a friend
3) Stay in, Watch Firefly and finish a velvet painting?

Yeah, I'm a sucker! ;)

Fonts and typography in Idiocrasy

2008-03-20T00:50:43Z

While on the subject of all things Thirst Mutilator: Here is an excellent article about the typography and icons used in Idiocracy.

I can picture the article's author in the actually traveling to the future and at all the fonts and logos:

*Typography author looks around with disbelief and dawning comprehension*
Author: Oh, my god…the H&R Block’s iconic green block. We finally did it. YOU GAVE IT BEVELS AND SHADOWS!
*Pounds fists on the Costco floor*
Author: YOU MANIACS! Oh, damn you! Damn you all to Hell!
*author then gets up to file his "Adult" tax return*

It's like driving an ICE CREAM TRUCK full of ANGRY BEES

2008-03-17T23:17:00Z

So I bought a case of Brawndo: The Thirst Mutilator to give to friends as party favors (I still have 6 left, so if you want one let me know). Yes, it's green!

What’s that? You don’t know what Brawndo is? You need to watch Idiocracy. RIGHT NOW! They have a bunch of stellar Web-only commercials that mimic the feel of the movie.
Watch them here.
Here
And here.

So on Saturday, I finally got to hear what happened to one of my friends after he left my place all hepped up on Brawndo. Here’s what I think a Brawndo commercial should be based on his experience:

“Brawndo, the Thirst Mutilator…will cause you to use random Wii peripherals for EVERY GAME! You use Link’s CROSSBOW GUN with TRAUMA CENTER which will cause you to SEW YOUR PATIENT’S CHEST CAVITY UP WITH CROSSBOW BOLTS! This will cause you to KILL ALL OF YOUR PATIENTS and LEAVE THE MEDICAL PROFESSION IN DISGRACE, but you won’t care because you will be too busy APPLYING ANTIBIOTICS WITH A CROSSBOW! Then, you will be up ‘till 3am USING DEFIBULATORS TO KILL BUBLINS, which are like GOBLINS only wearing SCARVES! After drinking Brawndo, you will be KILLING SCARF-WEARING GOBLINS WITH A DEFIBULATOR!!!!
Drink.
Brawndo.
With Wii peripherals!”

I feel like a dragon...

2008-03-11T23:07:57Z

...it's like I'm sleeping on a mound of loot. I'm not one to focus on gifts, but this year everyone and their second cousin gave me something for my birthday.

You search the birthday and find: a book (Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster), FSM keychain, FSM car decal, a ceramic cow skull (with a ceramic cow skull magnet), the Spiderwick Chronicles boxed set, a Marvin the Martian remote cozy, handmade beaded bracelet, a kiss, a picture of me (not just any photo of me...it was made by a master of Photoshop and uses only multi-colored letters), money and many free drinks.

Birthday madness!!!

2008-03-06T20:17:44Z

So tomorrow (Friday) I will be kinda celebrating my birthday. The official day is Monday...but really who wants to celebrate their birthday on the most dreaded of all work days?

So if you are reading this, you are invited to lurk at a downtown bar, play a boardgame and perhaps drink with moi. (Look for the guy with snazzy new Ray-Ban eyeglasses!)

Who: Clockworkalien (MEEEE!!!)
What: His birthday
Where: District Tavern
When: Tomorrow, 5-9ish
Sometimes why: Because it's cool

I have a new painting up! LOOK AT IT!

I have returned from IL!

2008-01-18T00:54:38Z

Back from IL...after a 9 day adventure in coldness and snow. The client was a blast and I may post some of my rambling adventures when I have more time.

Happy 2008, year of the Rat!

2008-01-02T05:24:37Z

It's been quite the ride, gained new friends and lost contact with others. The crowning achievement of the passing year is the "nerd cred" I gained from what started as a seemingly absurd hobby. I mean, how was I to know that there would be other fine folks out there who love black velvet paintings of video games? (Oh, I finished a quick painting right before the end of last year. Gaze into the hypnotic power of the velvet painting!)

I seem to have "willpower." Using this "willpower" I managed to stay true to last years resolution (stay the hell off Fark.com...I found I was wasting the better part of my free time on that site and needed it gone). I will harness this "willpower" to uphold this years resolutions:
-Get my ass to Gold's Gym.
-Spend less time surfing garbage Web sites - focus on writing a novel.
-Paint enough largeish black velvet, video game paintings to be hung at a non-Dapper Lounge location in town.
-No more crap sweets and garbage food. I'm looking at you, Papa John's and Coldstone Creamery!
-Go out more (dance and local bands).

Here's to another year of verbally rambling on about my exploits and reading all of yours! Cheers, LJ friends!

Mystery icon

2007-12-20T00:17:00Z

See my icon? I bet my officemate a chai tea that he would not know where it came from.

How about you? Do you know where the icon came from? (No looking it up online or in the comments! Cheater!)

Painting completed!

2007-12-01T18:30:07Z

Somehow, one of the folks at Running with Scissors saw my paintings when they were up at Dapper Lounge. (I have a theory that anything with Pac-man on it will have a magnetic effect on gamers. Like the Lost Ark, they will be unable to avert their eyes to the image of the original video game icon.)

They asked me to do a velvet painting of the main character and somehow work the 10th anniversary of the Postal video game series into it. Here is the painting I came up with.

My next painting awaits!

My personal, less invasive Optacon

2007-11-25T03:47:51Z

Ever since watching City of Lost Children, I have wondered what it would take for someone to willingly weaken their natural senses (in the case of the movie, one of your eyes) to enhance another (movie: hearing). Would relying on a mechanical enhancement make you weaker? Why the hell would you want super hearing anyway? Seriously, one scream will leave you incapacitated.

To find the answers to these questions, I ventured out on Black Friday looking for my personal, less invasive Optacon. NOTE: You can find EVERYTHING on black Friday, you just have to be willing to stand in a line 1.75 hours to pay for it. I'm sure Pier 1 had a sale on Holy Grail knockoffs and some cute baby mogwai were BUY ONE, GET ONE FREE at Petsmart. Fortunately, there will be many "light up", "sound activated", and "tickle me" toys to aid you in your journey to the register. I braved Black Friday to find something that would amplify my god-given sense (or senses) to absurd proportions.

One of these black Fridays, I want to organize a flash mob to dress as barbarian hordes to storm one store at 5am.

I picked up a 12 mega-pixel camera during Black Friday Weekend. 5x optical zoom. 3x digital zoom. After purchase, I held it over my head with two arms and screamed "I HAVE THE POWER!!!!" It is like seeing the world with enhanced eyes. I can now take a picture of someone and zoom in and count my subject's nose hairs (I said COULD do that, not that I would...or do). I can take a picture of my pants and zoom in to see the color of the thread used to sew the hems (red, if you were wondering). I CAN TAKE A PICTURE OF A BOOKSHELF ACROSS THE ROOM AND ZOOM IN TO READ ALL OF THE TITLES!!! I CAN USE IT TO ZOOM IN ON YOUR AURA!!! I AM THE KEYMASTER!!!!

Mustusemypowerforthegoodofmankind. Mustusemypowerforthegoodofmankind. Mustusemypowerforthegoodofmankind...

Not as powerful as enhanced hearing or adoptive muscle memory but I'll make do!

2 days ago...

2007-11-19T20:48:12Z

I was walking along the snake bridge and I hear this wierd quasi-electronic music in the air.
"Hmm, interesting song. It must be coming from one of those cars waiting at that intersection."
The light turns green and all of the cars at that intersection speed off, but the song still plays in the air.
"Hmm, one of the people in those houses over there must be blasting the song."
I walk a bit on the path and the song seems to drift along with me. It suddenly hits me, I reach into my pocket and pull out my cellphone.

Mental note: Change my ringtone to something loud and unmistakable, like the Metal Gear CODEC ring.

Nonsense, I have much to do. SO MUCH!

2007-11-16T03:16:51Z

6 days...6 days to finish a painting.

And if you you didn't stroll by Dapper Lounge to view my velvet paintings...YOU MISSED YOUR CHANCE! MY PAINTINGS ARE GONE FOREVER FROM THERE! FOOL! They are rotating artists and the next ones move in tomorrow.

Also, work got me a new phone and I lost all the SIM information on my old card. If you have some need to contact me, text or call me with your number so I can re-add you.

Much to do, will post much after painting is finished!

I have returned!

2007-11-07T00:44:03Z

I have returned from my New York/Connecticut/Las Vegas/Grand Canyon/Flagstaff vacation! So many stories and adventures to tell!